[Arashi] Remedial Dating

[Title] Remedial Dating
[Author] honooko
[Rating] PG-13
[Notes] Sho fails at pick-up lines, and seems to kind of fail with girls in general. Arashi sets about to correct this! Bonus Sho/Kobayashi Mao!

Long before the corner began on Shukudai-kun, Arashi knew that Sho had a little trouble with girls. He was bad at socially interacting with them, bad at complimenting them, bad at delivering charming lines to warm them to him. They were pretty sure he was bad at the physical things too, based on the fact that his aforementioned failure with pick-up lines meant he never really got many chances to perfect his technique.

“This,” Nino announced gravely to an audience of three (Aiba looking serious and concerned, Jun slightly disbelieving, and Ohno not paying attention). “Must be corrected, for the sake of Sho-chan’s happiness.”

“And his sex life,” Aiba added sincerely.

“That’s what I said; happiness,” Nino amended.

“What’s wrong with Sho-chan’s sex life?” Ohno asked, jerking back into reality suddenly.

Jun groaned and put his face in his hands.

~

“We’re going to start from the beginning,” Nino said, pushing his glasses up on his nose. He insisted on them on the grounds that it wasn’t properly educational without the lenses. Jun was also wearing his, but less because he agreed with Nino and more because his eyes felt a little dry.

Aiba had helpfully drawn charts.

“This,” Nino said, slapping the pointer on the poster. “Is a girl.”

“That’s no girl!” Sho cried. “That’s Shibata Rie!”

“Fine,” Aiba interrupted sweetly. “This is a woman."

Sho whimpered.

“Today’s lesson is Compliments,” Jun reminded them, nudging them back on topic. Ohno nodded, pausing in his sketch of a less threatening female for Sho to study. “Let’s practice; Captain will be your partner.”

Five minutes later, Ohno had on a long brown wig with curled tips and a knee-length skirt, his lips glossed with Jun’s favorite flavor. He batted his eyelashes and giggled at Sho demurely.

“Satoko,” Nino said imperiously. “Is a very pretty girl.”

Ohno giggled again, hiding a non-existent blush.

“How would you tell her this?”

Sho blinked. Scratching his chin, he thought long and hard. Ohno started to zone out. Aiba added a mustache to the drawing of Rie-chan. Jun had noticed a miniscule chip in his nails. Nino was braiding Ohno’s wig.

“That skirt,” Sho said finally, brightly. “Makes you look taller than you really are!”

Nino put his face in his hands, as Ohno continued to play along. He stood and shrieked.

“So I’m short?!”

“What—No! I mean, usually you’re pretty tiny, yeah, but—“

“SO IT MAKES ME LOOK FAT?!”

After Ohno burst into girly, animated tears (Nino patting him on the shoulder comfortingly), Sho looked rather like he was going to start to cry himself.

“Let’s... try a different lesson,” Jun suggested diplomatically.

~

“Gifts, and When to Give Them,” Aiba introduced, pointing to the obnoxiously neon title on the poster. Sho perked up, and Nino and Jun shook their heads at his moderately misguided confidence.

“Birthdays and Christmas and Valentine’s,” Sho recited. “Flowers and chocolate and jewelry!”

“Lilies, roses, daises? Milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate? Princess cut or round?” Jun drawled, crushing Sho’s enthusiasm instantly.

“Um,” said Sho, deflating.

“And what about anniversaries?” Nino questioned. “The day you met, your first date, your first kiss, the first time she stole your shirt and wore it home?”

“I... don’t think I can remember all those dates,” Sho said, looking hunted.

“Nino marks my calendar for me,” Ohno commented. “With little hearts.”

“That only works if you remember what day it is though,” Nino laughed.

“Gifts don’t have to be for a reason, Sho-chan,” Aiba reminded him gently. “They can be ‘just because’.”

“And really, better gifts are the more personal ones. Things she actually wants,” Jun commented. “Steer away from jewelry unless you know for sure it’s a piece she wanted.”

“Like... shoes?” Sho offered carefully.

“What size does she wear?” Jun asked sharply.

Sho’s face fell, and Aiba patted his back and murmured to him soothingly.

~

“Kissing, and Everything After,” Nino announced, he and Aiba puckering in Sho’s direction in example.

“What,” Sho said blankly. “What.”

“Don’t use tongue right away!” Aiba warned, shaking a finger. “She might bite you.”

“And grabbing her boobs, even as a joke, is probably a bad idea too unless she’s already naked,” Nino said wisely, nodding.

“Don’t forget the condoms!” Aiba reminded urgently. “Babies are for after marriage.”

“No cameras allowed. Ever,” Nino suggested, as he and Aiba shared a momentary shudder.

“I can teach you about shibari if you want,” Ohno offered sweetly.

Sho let his head hit the desk with a thud. Jun patted his shoulder and assured him that dancing hip thrusts were much harder than sexual ones, so Sho would probably be okay! Probably.

Sho wondered, not for the first time, if suicide would be a quicker solution.

~

“Um,” Sho said eloquently. “Um, Mao-san?”

Kobayashi Mao looked up from her book, her elegantly manicured fingers curling around the cover. She smiled.

“Sakurai-kun,” She said, and Sho felt his face get warm. “Good morning!”

“Um,” Sho said again, sticking his hands in his pockets, then pulling them out again. “You—er, that is.”

She tilted her head, her expression puzzled.

“...What are you reading?” Sho said at last, forcing his body to sit next to her in a somewhat-casual fashion.

“Plato,” Mao answered, holding it out for him to examine. “I like the Republic better than the Symposium, but they’re both pretty enjoyable reads.”

“That’s—that’s great,” Sho said, attempting a smile and only managing a disgustingly cheerful grimace.

“Sakurai-kun?” Mao asked, concerned. “Do you have a stomachache?”

“Are you busy this Saturday?” Sho blurted out, a bit louder than he’d intended. Mao jumped, blinking at him.

“Well, there’s—there’s a speaker at Keio this weekend, a writer—he’s doing a lecture on the situation in Belguim, and I thought it might be interesting so I thought if you weren’t busy—I mean, if you want to—we could... go... together?” Sho finished with a small squeak.

“That depends,” Mao said seriously, and Sho went pale. “Will you be treating me to dinner afterwards?”

“...May I?” Sho asked, surprised. Mao laughed, smiling and patting his hand comfortingly.

“Sounds like fun. I’d love to go,” She answered. Sho couldn’t help the huge grin that split over his face, and they exchanged information with the promise he would pick her up. As Mao stood to go in for makeup, she called back over her shoulder.

“Sakurai-kun?”

“Yes?” Sho responded immediately.

“Your fly is unzipped. See you later!”

Sho made a mental note to inform his bandmates that they never gave the advice that really mattered. Like ‘check your zipper first’.